February 4, 2013

A few ha-ha’s, wahoos, and yuk-yuks for a beautiful February day!

In order to survive this thing called “life,” I rely on humor. Whether it’s laugh-out-loud, brutally honest, or gut-busting foolery, I rely on it daily. If I can’t laugh through a day filled with bill collectors, religious folks knocking on my door just as I finally fall asleep for my mid-day nap, or telephone calls telling me someone else I love has just been taken ill, I simply MUST find something funny to get m
e through the sad/bad times.

So if you’re in the midst of a crisis or six, I hope my little “black and blue” humor will bring you a smile – even if it only lasts for the length of time it takes to read it.
With all good wishes for you to have a happy day, I remain
Linda Robertson
* * * * *

By Linda Robertson

I paid my water bill in full, and mailed it to the Water Department on Monday, August 3rd, 2009.
I got a late statement from them in the mail on Friday, August 8th, stating that $53.97 was due, and must be paid by August 10th, a Monday.

On Monday morning, at 9:00 a.m., I rushed to the Finance Department in the City’s Administration Building to pay the extra $53.97.

Thank God, I found someone who knew what they were doing. A very nice woman behind the counter explained that Clovis mail goes first to Stockton, about 120 miles north of Clovis, then to Bakersfield, which is approximately 173 miles south of here. From there, the mail is re-routed back to the Fresno Main Post Office, which is over eight miles from the Clovis branch, where it is then delivered back to Clovis. Now this normally would not present a problem; however, I live in Clovis, I have water service in Clovis, and I pay my bills in Clovis.

Is this not the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?

The good news is – I did not have to pay my water bill on August 10th in the Administration Building, because, according to that very nice woman behind the counter at the Water Department, my check should have arrived in that day’s mail at the City’s Administration Building. If it didn’t, however, the Water Department of the City of Clovis would add a $5.00 service charge to my account. Either way, I’d be losing money, but I was able to keep my water service active, and I was privileged to watch the trail of my 44¢ stamp travel the entire distance of the San Joaquin Valley over a six-day course.

Even the Pony Express had better service than this!

* * * * *

By Linda Robertson

I’m aging!
And I really resent it!

My Nana told me years ago that as I aged, things would change. I didn’t believe her because, at that time, I was a child and I knew that my life would go in one direction and one direction only. I would conquer the world with my brilliant mind and unfailing energy.

My beliefs were soon altered by the reality of adulthood and that ever constant “aging” thing. My brilliant mind is often cloudy, and energy flew out the window a long time ago.
Nana said my tastes would also change. I have to admit, I’ve noticed the changes sneaking along over the years. I no longer enjoy the pairing of doughnuts and cocoa, or mayonnaise sandwiches. Instead, broccoli has appeared along with cauliflower, spinach, and purple onions. I now enjoy salad instead of sodas, pasta instead of pudding, and carrots instead of cake. I used to drink cocoa because it was warm and chocolaty. Now I use it as a sleep inducer because of the warm milk effect.

I was told that my sexual desire would be affected in my later years. No, I thought. It can’t be!

Yes, even that sometimes takes a vacation!

Nana also said I would require less sleep. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now!

My sleep has been disrupted, disordered, disturbed, and discombobulated. How can this be? I’m just a few feet “over the hill” and already my friend, my solace, my companion of the night is waning. As I wrote this article, it was 4:00 a.m. and I was totally awake. My body felt the need to snuggle under the covers but my brain said, “Oh, no! It’s almost time for the rooster!”

Sleep, you are my pal, my passion. Do not desert me. We’ve been friends too long to end this way. You were first interrupted when I had my children. We would lay down for a nap and never complete it because of barking dogs, noisy neighbors, telephone calls, and knocks on the door. It seemed that everyone we knew needed my attention and chose that particular sleep time to do their bidding. Then, when the kids were teenagers, you were interrupted by barking dogs, noisy neighbors, telephone calls, and knocks on the door.


Now that you and I have time to spend together, you are leaving me.

I remember when we used to share three or four hours of uninterrupted rest. Now, barely an hour goes by before you’re yanked away from me because of some fitful dream or night noise.
Sleep, why have you forsaken me? We were such good friends, you and I. I’ve always depended on you, in good times and bad. Won’t you please reconsider our relationship?
Come back and join the party – the slumber party!!!
* * * * *

By Linda Robertson

Pets! The kind on the furniture, not the kind you find under the dirty clothes of a 16-year-old!

I once saw a woman running toward a dead cat laying in the road. She was screaming hysterically, rubbing her eyes, pushing her hair out of her face, and reaching out toward this dead cat. I drove by and shook my head. Stupid woman.

As soon as I got home, I picked up my own little pussycat and told him how dumb this woman looked overreacting like that about some stupid animal. My little darlin’ just sat there in my arms, purring, touching my face with his sweet little paws, looking up at me with those big brown eyes, and telepathically telling me how right I was.

I have had strange pets all my life. I had normal dog/cat/bird relationships, but I’ve also had horny toads, hamsters, salamanders, a tarantula, a snake, a rat, and cockroaches. The cockroaches weren’t really a given choice…they moved in and I couldn’t stand to see them go hungry. I’d fix a little salad, vinaigrette dressing, croutons, a little wine, and set it out on my daughter’s tea set.

They weren’t satisfied. They preferred ranch dressing!
The snake was a real treat. I got him in 1984 from my business partner. That tells you something right there about my life choices, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I have always been deathly afraid of snakes. I saw one bite my father once when he assured me “those snakes don’t bite.” Blood spurted from his finger, and I heard my first bad word. The next time my father said anything about snakes, I looked for blood and yelled, “Oh, damn!”

When my partner tried to show me his snakes, plural, I looked for blood and yelled, “Oh, damn!”

He said, “They don’t bite. They’re warm and loveable. They’re great companions. They’re interesting. It’s like holding a belt.”
I said, “Yeah, a conveyor belt, with teeth. Oh, damn!!”
He gave my kids a snake for some holiday, reminding me of my own rule, “You can’t return a gift!”

I said fine, the snake could stay one night as long as the cage was locked so Houdini couldn’t escape, and if it didn’t invade my dreams. We named him Heebie-Jeebies, since that’s what the snake gave me!

Freud would have had a field day with my dreams the first night the snake stayed over. I was strangled by snakes, molested by snakes, separated at the joints by snakes. I stepped on them, slept with them, ate them. They were everywhere in this dream. There were wet ones, dry ones, stinky ones; there was even a scented one. He smelled like some guy that bathed in Aramis and was ready to party. I’d turn around with my best sexy, come-hither look and then notice that thing was a snake!

Hey, Freud, think that was my partner?

Anyway, we kept the snake almost a year. We fed him live baby mice, another little hurdle I had to overcome. I have never been one to believe in cannibalism. The argument was that he’d die if he wasn’t fed. I said, “Convert him to vegetarianism! Feed him ice cream!”

One day, I made a little salad, vinaigrette dressing, croutons, a little wine, and set it out on my daughter’s tea set.
He wasn’t satisfied. He preferred ranch dressing!

End of snake.

We held a funeral for him in the back yard and buried him next to four cats, two birds, a rabbit, and a dead lizard the kids found under a rock. It was a beautiful service. “Here lies Heebie-Jeebies…he’s dead. I’m sorry I killed him.”

It was sad to lose a pet, a little friend and companion. But when you have to face the reality that you murdered someone with your cooking, that’s pretty tough to get over. I cried for weeks!
The kids cried for a few minutes and ran off to see if they could find a replacement pet. I said anything was fine as long as it couldn’t run faster than me. I figured as long as I could outrun it, it couldn’t bite me!
* * * * *

By Linda Robertson

I’ve still got a lot going on with this computer. I was on the phone with Dell again from 3:50 to 6:30 to get my sound turned on (you’ll LOVE this!), and to get my printer working again (it quit three days ago). As for the sound issue, the guy I talked to that day told me to look for the red light on the speaker. I explained that there was no red light. He said to push down on the button on top of the speaker. It had a button but it wouldn’t push in, out, up, or down. Same thing I had told the two previous Indians in the last three days. He then said check the plugs. I did, explaining the same thing for the umpteenth time. He then said to look for the button on the right speaker. I got the two speakers down from the top of my hutch and looked at them. One had a button on it, so I turned it and a little blue light came on. He asked me if I could hear anything. There was a very, very faint female voice, but I couldn’t be sure if it was coming from the speaker or the living room TV.

Then, an epiphany! I told him I was going to T U R N the button on the larger speaker to see if that would increase the volume. Suddenly, Alanis Morrisette was singing in my ear! Why didn’t my two computer geeky friends, four Dell consultants, and basic common sense tell me that a button ON THE SPEAKER needed to be turned ON?

Ah, such is life!
* * * * *

By Linda Robertson

Motherhood has taught me some valuable lessons. Be kind. Be understanding. Children SHOULD be listened to. Don’t assume they’re guilty until you have the dead kitten in your hand! When the angry neighbor knocks on the door, pretend you’re not home. And the best lesson of all? ALWAYS HAVE CHOCOLATE IN THE HOUSE! It’s not for the kids! It’s to be hidden, savored and used with discretion, but don’t kiss your child! Their sense of smell is like a hounddog! Just keep it on a high shelf for those times when you’re sure you’ve lost your mind by raising children!

What has been your most embarrassing moment as a mom?
As a reward for having the most beautiful child ever created, my husband took me out to dinner. I was thrilled to wear real clothes again, and feel sexy for the man I loved. As I took my first bite, my husband’s eyes widened as two emerging spots on my shirt began to drip down. “It must be feeding time”, he mocked. I kicked him under the table, and hiding behind my massive purse, made my way out the door, to return to what I was sure would be a screaming baby waiting for his next suckling!

What do you wish you had known about labor that no one told you?
I wish I’d known that the pain of labor would extend to my teeth and toenails; that I would reach out and pull chunks of hairy flesh from my husband’s head because of what he’d done to me. I wish someone would have explained that the rumor of “forgetting your labor pains as soon as your baby is born” is pure drivel! You do NOT forget it. Every birthing scene you see in a movie or on TV has you reliving every screeching moment of your birthing experience. Forget labor? Not on your life. Yes, having a baby is a joy unmatched, but labor pains are misnamed. They should be called “reverse murder.”

* * * * *

By Linda Robertson

I’ve been overweight most of my life with the exception of one year when I dropped to 115 pounds. It came, it went, and I haven’t seen it since.

I’ve been on a diet since I was nine.

My baby fat remains, even though my baby’s almost forty.
Pitfalls and falling into pits are part of the lives of fat people – lives filled with pizza, Pepsi, and pork, ice cream, cakes, and pies. We gag on lettuce, brussel sprouts offend us, and fat-free foods have been proven unhealthy.

We cry like babies when we run into walls. Getting through department store aisles is always difficult.

I have composed a list of even more situations that fat people deal with. Perhaps you’ll find yourself in this article.

1) You need more makeup to cover your face and this costs extra money because you have to replace it more often.
2) When you try to speak, your cheeks make fart noises.
3) Your side of the bed sinks in faster.
4) Your car tilts to one side.
5) When you bend over, no one can see the television.
6) When you bend over, farts escape without your knowledge, but everybody else in the room knows you’ve done it.
7) The more you weigh, the more your shoe size increases.
8) You have to wash clothes and linens more often.
9) You need more pillows and bigger sheets.
10) All your visitors know you have hidden candy that you don’t admit to. But you do!
11) No one can give you a complete hug, because their arms can’t reach around you.
12) When you take a walk, your neighbors run outside to find the epicenter.
13) When you lean over, you tip over.
14) You can’t have your pictures taken because you don’t fit in the frame.
15) The area under the chairs in your home are all concave.
16) Your idea of a bowl of ice cream is to fill the largest mixing bowl in your cupboard.
17) When you go out to dinner at the local buffet, they have to kill another cow.
18) You need ten cans of Febreze to refresh just your living room.
19) You have to put an extension handle on the back scratcher.
20) A 5-pound box of See’s candy is your idea of an afternoon snack.
21) No one makes a backpack big enough for you.
22) Tent City makes your clothes.
23) You’re never invited to a party, because you can’t fit through the door.
24) You’re never asked to go hunting, because you block out the deer. They can also hear you coming!
25) You scare small children. Older children think you’re a Bounce House.
26) No ladder will hold you.
27) All your gifts have to be wrapped in bigger boxes.
28) You’re always asked to play Santa Claus.
29) The Michelin Man runs away when he sees you coming.
30) When you go “down under,” Australia slides away and becomes part of Antarctica.
31) All your necklaces need extensions.
32) Your idea of a balanced meal is that all the food has to be white.
33) They don’t make rings big enough to fit your fingers.
34) Your computer chair has a permanent dent.
35) You always ask for free refills at a restaurant.
36) When you walk away, you cause a solar eclipse.
37) You need an extension handle to wipe your own butt.
38) Your coffee mug holds 60 ounces.
39) A family-sized pizza isn’t big enough to fill you.
40) Animals run away from you.
41) When you were in diapers, your mama used garbage bags and duct tape.
42) The mailman can’t lift your packages.
43) Your cubicle at work had to be reconstructed to fit you.
44) The phrase, “Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker” has never applied to you. Both are gone before their effects can take place.
45) It takes a professional laundry service to remove grass stains from your butt.
46) A hot air balloon never leaves the ground when you’re in it.
47) Your friends think you need a tank instead of a car.
48) If your clothes are hung out on the line, the posts pull out of the ground.
49) You don’t bother unwrapping the Fudge-sicle.
50) It takes four Angus burgers to fill you up.
51) Your house is filled with lamps and lights so you won’t bump into anything while walking through it.
52) Your soup spoon is a ladle.
53) Your do-rag is a horse blanket.
54) When you so swimming, they call the Coast Guard and report a whale sighting.
55) When you have a funny feeling in your stomach, your doctor gets overtime to find it.
56) Any step you take throughout your house causes the Richter scale to mis-calibrate.
57) When you try to make love, the second thrust bounces him right out of bed.


So, this is my theory…we must all follow a strict diet using the food pyramid. It is completely safe. It doesn’t cost any more money. It will improve your life and give you years longer to live.
More fruits and veggies in our diet will not only drop some poundage but it will also clear up skin problems.

Your feet will get smaller just as your body will, and we all know what that means – MORE SHOPPING!!!!!

And don’t fret about shopping. With all the money you save from having to buy the “Super-Size” product every time you go to a pharmacy for insulin (yes, you will most likely get diabetes), along with treatments for all the other medical maladies that will befall you, those extra dollars can now be dropped in a vacation jar. By the time you’ve lost the weight you want to lose – and MUST lose – you’ll be ready for that trip to Disneyland, a cruise, or a scenic and surprising vacation through the entire USA.

This article isn’t to remind you of all the wrong things in your life. It is here to encourage you, show others you have the support of this author (who also needs to lose about a hundred pounds), and the readers of this “wonderfully written honesty piece” about the battle of the bulge.

Thanks for your time…I’ll meet you on the street someday, when we’re both as thin as we want to be, so come on over and re-introduce yourself because neither of us will recognize the other!

* * * * *


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